Tips to Understanding Anger

Anger is a powerful emotion that can be tricky to manage, especially when it comes to kids. It’s natural for children to experience anger, but understanding why it happens and how to deal with it effectively can be challenging for any parent. As someone who works closely with kids every day, I’ve seen firsthand how difficult it can be to navigate these emotional waters. In this guide, I’ll share actionable tips to help you understand anger in your kids, offering practical steps that can make a big difference in how you handle those intense moments.

1. Recognize the Signs of Anger

Understanding anger starts with recognizing its signs. I often tell parents that anger is like a volcano – it doesn’t erupt without warning. There are always precursors, even if they’re subtle. Here are some common signs of anger in kids:

• Increased heart rate and breathing
• Clenched fists or jaw
• Flushed face or feeling hot
• Tense muscles
• Raised voice or yelling
• Crying (especially in younger children)

For neurodivergent kids, these signs might manifest differently. Some children with autism, for example, might show anger through self-stimulatory behaviors or by becoming extremely quiet. It’s crucial to understand your child’s unique anger cues.

The Anger Thermometer

One tool I’ve found incredibly useful is the “Anger Thermometer.” It’s a visual aid that helps kids identify their anger level. Here’s how you can create one:

Temperature	Feeling	Action
0-20°	Calm	Relaxed breathing
30-50°	Annoyed	Take a break
60-80°	Angry	Use calming techniques
90-100°	Furious	Remove from situation

This visual aid can help kids communicate their feelings more effectively, which is especially beneficial for children with thinking and learning differences who might struggle with verbal expression.

Read more: Why is My ADHD Child So Angry?

2. Identify Anger Triggers

Understanding what sets off anger is crucial in managing it. I often work with families to create “anger journals” where they track anger episodes and potential triggers. Here’s what you might include in an anger journal:

• Date and time of the anger episode
• What happened just before the anger started
• How intense the anger was (you can use the thermometer scale)
• How long the anger lasted
• What helped calm the anger

After a few weeks, patterns often emerge. You might notice that your child gets particularly angry when they’re hungry, tired, or feeling overwhelmed by sensory input. For kids with learning disabilities, academic challenges can be a significant trigger.

Common Anger Triggers in Kids

While triggers can vary greatly from child to child, here are some common ones I’ve observed:

• Feeling misunderstood or not listened to
• Difficulties with transitions or changes in routine
• Sensory overload (especially for neurodivergent kids)
• Frustration with tasks that are too challenging
• Perceived unfairness or injustice
• Social difficulties or bullying

By identifying these triggers, you can work on strategies to either avoid them or help your child cope when they occur.

3. Teach Healthy Expression of Anger

One of the most important aspects of understanding anger is learning how to express it in healthy ways. I always emphasize to parents that anger itself isn’t bad – it’s a normal, human emotion. The goal isn’t to eliminate anger, but to express it constructively.

Here are some strategies I recommend for healthy anger expression:

• Use “I” statements: Encourage your child to say “I feel angry when…” instead of “You made me angry!”
• Practice deep breathing: Teach your child to take slow, deep breaths when they feel anger rising.
• Physical outlets: Provide safe ways to release physical tension, like squeezing a stress ball or doing jumping jacks.
• Art therapy: Drawing or painting can be a great way for kids to express their anger visually.
• Emotion coaching: Help your child name their emotions and validate their feelings.

For kids with special needs, these strategies might need to be adapted. For instance, a child with limited verbal skills might benefit from using picture cards to express their anger.

The Anger Iceberg

I often use the analogy of an iceberg to explain anger to kids and parents. The visible part of the iceberg – the anger – is just the tip. Underneath are other emotions that are driving the anger. These might include:

• Fear
• Sadness
• Disappointment
• Embarrassment
• Anxiety
• Frustration

By helping kids identify these underlying emotions, we can address the root cause of the anger more effectively. This is particularly important for neurodivergent kids who might struggle with emotional identification and expression.

4. Develop Anger Management Techniques

Once we understand anger and its triggers, the next step is developing effective management techniques. I always tell parents that this is where patience and consistency are key. It takes time and practice to learn new ways of dealing with strong emotions.

Here are some anger management techniques that I’ve found effective:

• Count to ten (or twenty, or a hundred): This simple technique gives the brain time to shift from the emotional response to a more logical one.
• Use a calm-down corner: Designate a safe, comfortable space where your child can go to cool off when they’re feeling angry.
• Practice mindfulness: Simple mindfulness exercises can help kids stay grounded in the present moment rather than getting caught up in angry thoughts.
• Use positive self-talk: Teach your child phrases like “I can handle this” or “This feeling will pass” to use when they’re angry.
• Try progressive muscle relaxation: This involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, which can help release physical tension associated with anger.

For kids with learning disabilities or neurodivergent kids, visual aids can be incredibly helpful in remembering and implementing these techniques. You might create a “calm down toolkit” with visual reminders of different strategies they can use.

The STOP Technique

One technique I often teach is the STOP method:

• S – Stop what you’re doing
• T – Take a deep breath
• O – Observe your thoughts and feelings
• P – Proceed with a positive action

This simple acronym can be a powerful tool for kids (and adults!) to interrupt the anger cycle and make a more mindful choice about how to respond.

Read more: 7 Anger Management Coping Skills

5. Model Healthy Anger Management

As a child psychologist, I can’t stress enough how important it is for parents to model healthy anger management. Kids learn so much from watching how we handle our own emotions. Here are some ways you can set a good example:

• Verbalize your feelings: Say things like “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”
• Apologize when necessary: If you lose your temper, apologize and explain how you’ll handle it differently next time.
• Practice self-care: Show your kids that taking care of yourself is important for managing emotions.
• Use humor: When appropriate, demonstrate how humor can diffuse anger and lighten tense situations.
• Seek help when needed: Don’t be afraid to show your kids that it’s okay to ask for help with difficult emotions.

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection. It’s about showing your kids that managing anger is a skill that everyone, including adults, is continually working on.

Creating a Family Anger Plan

One effective strategy I often recommend is creating a family anger plan. This is a set of agreed-upon steps that everyone in the family commits to following when they’re feeling angry. It might include:

1. Using a code word to signal when someone is getting angry
2. Taking a family time-out to cool down
3. Having a family meeting once everyone is calm to discuss the issue
4. Brainstorming solutions together

This approach can be particularly helpful for families with neurodivergent kids or kids with special needs, as it provides a clear, consistent structure for handling anger.

Understanding anger is like taking a road trip—it takes time, patience, and a bit of trial and error. You’ve got to look for the signs, figure out what sets it off, and show your kids how to express it in a healthy way. By developing some solid coping strategies and leading by example, you’re equipping them with skills they’ll use for life. Remember, every kid’s different, so tweak these tips to suit your family’s vibe. With some practice, anger can turn from a nasty storm into a chance for growth and bonding.

Resources:

• American Psychological Association
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
• Child Mind Institute

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FAQs About Understanding Anger

What is Goally's approach to understanding anger in kids?
Goally uses task analysis to break down understanding anger into step-by-step video classes for kids.

How does Goally help kids recognize anger?
Goally's video classes guide kids to identify physical and emotional signs of anger, promoting self-awareness.

Can Goally teach kids how to react to anger?
Yes, Goally's interactive video classes provide strategies for kids to manage their reactions to anger healthily.

Does Goally help in understanding why kids get angry?
Absolutely, Goally's classes explore the root causes of anger, helping kids identify their triggers and manage them effectively.

This post was originally published on 11/17/2023. It was updated on 08/16/2024.